91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes

gellaho

What light through what yonder parabolic dish breaks? It is the scree, and lizard men are the Brothers

FancyShark

We few. We band of SCREE SCREE

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

For the first time on Broadway, it's The Band of Brothers and their Scree-Scree Chorus!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Something something St SCREEspins Day.

gellaho

Oh, no! They've got the flashbulbs!

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

He keeps talking about hauling out this sword like it's the fucking Buster Sword.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"OH FUCK THE POWER OF FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY! FLEE FOR YOUR LIFE CATTO!"

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

They're flashbulbs.

FancyShark

Are they attacking with floor lamps?

gellaho

Bulb-lights

LyraV

they took fuzzy poorly framed shots and Magus just couldn't handle it

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

No!! NO!! NOT MY BAD SIDE!!!

FancyShark

One Brother used a bulb and the target was epileptic and they thought they'd found a doomsday weapon

gellaho

Just swing wildly

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Looks like a job for Ringo Spellshades.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Chitin, that very lizardy material

gellaho

Smelled the smell, very descriptive

GDC

Alien, that's a familiar smell

FancyShark

Make sure to tell them they're hideous, Magus. Aliens love that.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

They smell like Old Spice and cinnamon.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

For I have smelled a smelly smell, beyond the isle of Skye;

I saw a fat mage lose a fight, and I think that man was I

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

All I can think of are the draconians in Dragonlance who wore hooded robes and bandaged hands.

gellaho

Slit-like mouth, or: "mouth"

FancyShark

"Also, we can speak your language. You're a shitty father."

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

You get this a lot when you're desecrating holy places.

gellaho

Simon Hawke has lip moistening, John Jakes has lip gnawing

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"We have heard the stories from the one called MAYMAYAMAYAMAYA."

"We know about the scarves and are not impressed."

FancyShark

Please. Conquer the lizardmen with colorful scarves

hahaha, dammit

scooped

Brendan

This book is so instructive in how to write at things rather than about them.

GDC

"We are familiar with these card tricks"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh shit this is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

gellaho

Time for some more head bashing

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Magus is gonna teach the Brothers the meaning of Christmas and shit.

gellaho

"Okay, but you aren't allowed to laugh"

FancyShark

You idiots don't know what a SWORD is?!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Magus Blacklaw."

"Hahahah. No your real one, not your nerd name."

gellaho

They only understand camera-related technology

And spears

And transparent membranes?

Hmm....I'm beginning to thing this doesn't make sense

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The lost secrets of the great wizard Zip-Loc!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Fine. My real name is Melvos Purvulator XXI."

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

Nay, it was the great alchemist Saran!

gellaho

You would think being released from it's plastic wrap for a couple of weeks this book wouldn't still smell like tobacco

Nope

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

And not the nice, sweet-smelling kind I bet.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

lol for some reason the book being kind of stinky is just really funny and appropriate to me.

gellaho

Yep, yep. Promontory. I definitely know what that is

FancyShark

Gellaho catches the book grabbing a smoke from the corner of his eye

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It's the best track from the Last of the Mohicans ost

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

He wrote this while at a seafood restaurant staring at a little cup of drawn butter.

gellaho

It's entirely possible we have too many words for this

gellaho

"Naze"

FancyShark

"Promontories of Dover" doesn't have the same ring to it

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

It's a fishing community thing. Like the innu and words for snow.

GDC

We know what was on Jakes's word of the day calendar when he wrote that page.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The Irish just used to name things after lady bits and I think we should return to that naming convention. Promontories are now........land clits.

WikiFeet Ramb$ne

OK but Promontory fucks so much harder than Pride Rock

gellaho

Let me hear it from the back! I know you love this one!

Ten times as tall as a man!

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

As a tall man or a short man?

GDC

So one spaceship tall, then

FancyShark

"How tall is he?"

"As tall as a tall man!"

gellaho

Trippy

FancyShark

I hope Jakes meant the actual pupils and not the irises, because even without internet he could have looked that up

gellaho

Pink orifices shaped like mouths, or: "mouths"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The Brothers psychoactive pheromones are beginning to work.

gellaho

8 Mile

LyraV

Dude you're a narcissist just tell them.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Motherfucker when Mushroom Yog Sothoth asks your name, answer. You're being rude.

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

He's sweating and looking at wet, pink mouths...

FancyShark

"Please use the nearby squirt bottle on us! We can't blink! It's raw agony!"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

A normal night at the club after taking just a skosh too much LSD.

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

Just haul out your sword and start lopping pocket pussies.

gellaho

Not the promontory!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

He'll make a fortune on Space Ebay.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

POCKET PUSSIES RIPPED MY FLESH

Wait. The fucking sun just fell out of the sky??

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

I'm suddenly reminded of a song I once heard that I do not know the name or artist of nor any of the words except "watch the sun fuck the ocean."

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Magus I think you better whip out those scarves and colored powders because I dont think a sword is gonna help you against the mind bending plant chorus.

gellaho

Uh oh

FancyShark

The Hauntplace is one volcano short of a DIO album cover

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh god, it's Shunting like in Society. Get outta there, Magus!

Brendan

Names are power, don't tell it!

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

He took some acid and stumbled into a sex toy shop.

Brendan

When does Darth Vader step out and turn out to have his face?

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

"I knew I never should have dropped acid in P-town!"

gellaho

Growing the hole closed

FancyShark

And immediately devoured by maggots

gellaho

I'll bet it was dank

FancyShark

The escape hatch of unconsciousness. Jakes is a poet laureate

gellaho

I'm glad we're sticking with this full man-measurement system

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Going unconscious in this place is how you end up with plants growing into your dickhole and asshole, Magus.

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

Ah.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Men are all the same height, right?

FancyShark

The last sentence of this book is going to be Magus's actual height so readers will feel compelled to read again with the knowledge they've gained.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I think when you use the manheight based system you measure from the most historically relevant man available.

gellaho

Behold the lightning mammoth

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

FancyShark

The Hauntplace is better than the entire book leading up to it

gellaho

And instead of just using mammoth the noun, he used mammoth the adjective

Then described what a mammoth looks like

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

You don't get to use mammoth as a size adjective while describedan yeah scooped

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Oh Jakes. Never change.

Brendan

About the size of a shed.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

You have to give Jakes credit, he is very innovative as an author.

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

How many giraffes tall was it?

gellaho

Probably should have used an actual sword and not a pool noodle

FancyShark

5.3 men talls worth

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

The kind of shed a tall man would build?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

You know, a dappled mammoth would be pretty neat.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Sky erupts x3

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Giggling because I dated a girl named Sky.

gellaho

Damn you, Wile E Coyote!

FancyShark

All of this because he couldn't admit he's a stage magician

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

He's been huffing the photo developing chemicals, hasn't he.

They just locked him in the darkroom.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Nobody should ever HAVE to admit they're a stage magician.

Mordred Got the 'Vid 😷

He's hopped up on fixer.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The Hauntplace kind of rules.

Brendan

We end here with Magus swearing at children to drink their ovaltine so they can escape the Kodak-IBM Ruins' sewerage manholes

gellaho

It's like some kind of

gellaho

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And we avoided this future by switching to digital cameras.

Brendan

This entire planet is a camera, right?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

gellaho

Old DEP

GDC

This is the Kodachrome Forge World

LyraV

We call it the DEPP for short.

Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY

eastman kodak

EASKOD

gellaho

Figured that out last week, but welcome to the club

For full reference

Brendan

Yeah but I haven't been here because work is stupid.

FancyShark

We have missed you

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

For the record no one else called Arsgrat as being MGM so if it comes out they're an entertainment consortium I win Book Cage forever

gellaho

He very slowly deconstructs the entire holographic projection

LyraV

Anything is better than my fish joke about the East Cod.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I think if you win Book Cage like that you are just Cask of Amontilladoed in Simon Hawke novels.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

A hero's death

gellaho

I think you can figure it out from the words used, Magus

gellaho

Have you read my will?

FancyShark

So not one person ever sent to the Hauntplace ever terror-flailed and snagged a loose cable in the planet's entire history?

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

LyraV

I'm concerned he just fell asleep playing Bioshock Infinite

gellaho

You expect more from Hans Huygens?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I just kind of assumed you were going to create a tomb\library for yourself when you felt the time was close.

GDC

They found the AV Club room

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

is magus gonna use this place to go full Oz?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

God I hope so.

FancyShark

That would kind of rule

Brendan

You think Gellaho isn't aiming for that kind of cyborg-viking funeral?

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Is that what we're building to?

gellaho

Loathsome snakish suppleness

Brendan

My point 🍨

FancyShark

By "internal secretions", he means earwax

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The Gellaho Memorial Bibliocrypt.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

there was something loathesome about those creepy scaly fucks

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Jakes apparently not on the "snakes are cool" train, sad.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The book cage was for him all along

gellaho

Magus goes to rescue Catto. During said rescue, Catto almost gets a spear up the ass

FancyShark

The first person in the book to think to use the pointy end of the spear and they decide on sodomy

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

One of the Brothers is named Vlad the SCREEpaler.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Almost? The narration itself says he's about to get his guts rearranged and not in the fun way

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

I can't believe the same man who named a character Catto also invented Magus Blacklaw and Tingo Motherfucking Spellhands

LyraV

He tried to hitch himself to WHAT to go faster?

To get out of the way? You don't hitch yourself anywhere

FancyShark

And Mongoose!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I think that means he did that move where you clench your ass cheeks and sidestep.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Really he could go nowhere but down after Maxmillion Dragonard. Tingo was just a fluke, dude's lost his fastball

FancyShark

Dodge roll?

gellaho

He has multiple red mustaches if that helps

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"got yer nose!"

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

They do not

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Nah you have to keep your ass loose or your legs lock in a dodge roll.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

The ass loose shouldn't be a problem actually...

gellaho

Excuse me? Philosopher Arko Lantzman

FancyShark

The only way the multiple mustaches works in my head is if they're stacked. So you have the normal stache, then another immediately below it

gellaho

Anyway, YOU ARE THE MAGIC

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Of course

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

If your ass gets too lose you just end up with a fat roll though.

Ozzie

He's every Ghostbuster's name put together.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Or one has a bigger and harder mustache on the outside, like a hermit crab.

FancyShark

YOU ARE THE POWER

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

😳🫵

FancyShark

hahahahaha, wait

gellaho

Always on the right side, this Magus Blacklaw

FancyShark

Their hiding spot was behind the most conspicuous structure on the planet?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Stan Bush, Space Lizard.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

It stiffened as it died. This is context you did not want or need but now you must live with it always.

LyraV

aaw the screes have seen the full life cycle now they're enfeebled

gellaho

Count with Magus Blacklaw

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Okay fair is fair, "Because I wanted to." is an okay reason to me.

FancyShark

Ah ah ah!

25!

Ah ah ah!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

Catto is fully erect at the sight of his family's corporation

gellaho

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Yeah he fucking would be, the freak

FancyShark

Signage gets him rock hard

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Didn't need to spell itout at the end, jacks, we got it

gellaho

My phlegmatic companion

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hey Magus, you should kill this guy, he's weird.

And chances are he's gonna kill you.

Or try anyway.

FancyShark

You mean try again?

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

He's a stage magician, he only gets along with weirdos

FancyShark

Because he already tried on the ship

gellaho

John Jakes gets bored with his own description of scarves

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

But is Magus one man tall???

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Ooooh, how many men has he bound with silks?

gellaho

Thousand

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

And only charged a ha'credit! Very affordable.

gellaho

Catto Mr. Maggoes his way into danger

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Some people have to pay a threecred for that.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Which is odd because my impression of this text is that this is more Magus's schtick

gellaho

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

It's those little touches that really make you check how many pages are left

FancyShark

No maggots for this injury?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Its some kind of desert beetle eating his foot.

gellaho

Deadly scarves

gellaho

gellaho

A stink of excitement

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

D&D troglodytes confirmed.

FancyShark

Magus 47

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Its good for him they dont breathe thru their skin.

gellaho

And get one last dick kick in there before death

LyraV

Let's put aside all that stuff I was angry about earlier in a very healthy emotional fashion.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yay reunion.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

This is why we established their dicks isnt it?

gellaho

Good news: Robin still sucks at everything

gellaho

But at least he got bandaged up with her panties

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I'm glad we only experienced the aftermath of this sideplot and were never shown what they were going through

FancyShark

Robin's headwound count must be off the charts if he got here alone

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Man I think it would be more sanitary to just let a cut be rather than bandage it with undies but I'm not a space barbarian.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Showing up to meet her dad wearing some of her underclothes is a power move

gellaho

New Maya characterization: Wolverine healing

FancyShark

I guess those face bruises were from crying too hard

gellaho

And then spin the Maya character roulette wheel. Next page:

LyraV

A smile from the Nard is worth a thousand words.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

!) Bring her dad a bottle of fine whiskey

2) when he shakes your hand, lean in and whisper "I'm wearing her panties right now."

3) ???

4) happy relationship.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

And a sample from the Nard is worth a thousand scrobbles

FancyShark

Which is about how many it takes for Jakes to describe it

gellaho

Magus decides it'd be a good idea to leave. Catto has a weird breakdown

Brendan

Sorry gang, turns out it's hard to do this and also scroll through a movie frame by frame. What's the sitrep?

FancyShark

Magus found his daughter and Dragonard

Dragonard has an injured arm and is using the daughter's panties as a sling

Maya hit her head on the sidewalk

LyraV

We've all become deeply obsessed with Dragonard. Mostly me.

Brendan

He's assembling a stupid cosmic Avengers in these books, isn't he?

gellaho

Magus, are you going to argue that he's not insane?

FancyShark

And a family dynasty with the House of Dragonard

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The Dragonard Cinematic Universe

gellaho

Probably mostly that

I'm assuming the last book has nothing to do with anything that happened here. Much as this has almost nothing to do with that first book

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Jakes doesnt know what a trilogy is but is going to write one anyway.

gellaho

Great time for a nap

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Wizard. Your.........uh.........your staff has a knob on the end, if you get my drift. Do you need a minute?"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Popping a boner while your daughter's head is on your leg. Hall of Fame dad right here

gellaho

Unmanly!

Brendan

Florida Wizard Arrested in Camera-World Incest Incident

Ozzie

This is going to pop into my head the next time I cry at something and I won't be able to prevent it.

Brendan

It's actually okay because she's the spitting image of her mother, and he never raised her, see?

gellaho

Lassitudinally count with Magus Blacklaw

gellaho

The glee of counting!

Brendan

"A huge shudder of tiredness worked over Magus." Goddamn, belabor a verb.

Start with "Magus shuddered" and work your way up, guy.

Like i can appreciate when you're fatigued the shudder having control over you might make it the subject but come on.

FancyShark

Jakes had three pages and was told "that's not a novel". And something snapped.