91: The Planet Wizard John Jakes

LyraV

I'm just thankful he stopped hitching around.

gellaho

I was going to tell you to respect a living legend, but

Bad news

Brendan

ooooof we killed him

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

His wife who

GDC

My condolences

gellaho

Dr Ellen is my favorite

Brendan

This was a magic spell and I do NOT appreciate being involved in it without my knowledge.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

he did not name his child "Dr. Ellen"

gellaho

Hey, it was one day after I started reading this book

Not my fault

Brendan

Have joke. Father and son in terrible accident. Father dies on scene. Son brought to hospital. Surgeon, world-class. Freezes up. "Cannot operate. The patient is my brother." How is this possible?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Maybe he did. It worked for Dr. Doctor Bliss.

Brendan

Dr. was a woman. Great joke. All laugh. Curtains.

gellaho

So anyway, these idiots know he's a fake magician but they are still frightened by his tricks

FancyShark

Robin, you know he's on your side, right?

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

St. Elmo ain't got shit on Magus Blacklaw

Brendan

See THIS is the kind of concise, active writing I've been begging for.

gellaho

So, they go back to the Center for Audiovisual Demonstration to bedevil the Brothers

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

what a bunch of CADs

gellaho

And I've gotta check the original printing to see if "The is lunatic" is in there

Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

One loss joke and im done

Brendan

Just humorless guys growling "Mind your tongue" and "Do as I say."

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

The is lunatic!

gellaho

OK, that's not really better

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Future slang is just using nouns as adjectives

LyraV

Someone please kick this guy in the shins, just once you can spend 5000 nonsensical words describing it but let it happen.

Brendan

wait...do you have two copies?

THE IS LUNATIC

gellaho

I ordered the cover with the naked lady and they sent me the first printing

Which I find dull

GDC

Yeah, the naked lady on the dragon is way better

gellaho

It's also in like 6 point font

LyraV

'The angry redhead hitched herself sideways and kicked Magus in the shins as he curtly tried to tell her to stop being hysterical and step aside.' there i feel better now.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

ahahaha is that supposed to be Plume on the cover?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Thats an alright bit of art for a page in a Players Handbook from 1987, but its not a naked lady being tied upside down to a dragon.

gellaho

Drumma-drum

FancyShark

Drum drumma-drum drum

gellaho

Adjust your girdle before battle

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Just like the Bible taught ya

GDC

He's putting the championship belt on before defending the title

gellaho

Lightening

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Battle girdles are very comfortable and practical.

FancyShark

"His dumb, distended white eyes"

gellaho

The high-pitched and quavering voice of a leader

LyraV

Plume adjusted his horn helmet to an appropriately fancy angle for such an occasion.

gellaho

Union

Kotaku's Top 50 School Shooters

you can tell he was proud of that one

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Goddammit he's gonna defeat the mutant horde with a movie projector, this is fucking Ralph Bakshi's Wizards!

gellaho

Just like an IT guy wiring up the company ethernet

GDC

Yeah some of those cable trays have wicked burrs on them

gellaho

Another thief

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

I look forward to the rest of your fanfic

gellaho

Stealing from our fallen king

When the Star Kings die, indeed

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

He forgot to click play.

Needs to refresh the browser so the buffering will restart.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Has he tried turning the star projector off and on again?

gellaho

Boy, he is having a hell of a time wiring this system up

gellaho

Gore?

LyraV

the screes have given way to the Clicka-whirrs

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

hahaha I don't have nearly this much trouble figuring out which of my HDMI cables need plugged back in

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hey Magus? I dont think this machine will work all that well if you give it a blood sacrifice.

GDC

Works for my printer

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yeah but printers are demonic anyway, what else could toner be made of?

gellaho

The words of the day are mammoth and promontory

FancyShark

You have clearly never worked with Vista

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"And so the space charlatan wizard frightened the locals until they gave up their land and moved into the inhospitable desert so his insane murderer friend could do things with it."

gellaho

You really, really want to make your climax happen on a porch. It adds gravitas

Brendan

See a better writer would have said "The light from a star the size of a shed shuddered over them from above in the sky where it hung."

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

And that's why we have turkey and football in November!

GDC

Check out @Brendan , thinking Jakes needs an editor

FancyShark

@Brendan 's going to go to Jakes' grave, build a shed over it, and refuse to answer anyone who asks why

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Galaxy II celebrates it with Turkeyball and foot.

GDC

How man cubic tallmen will the shed be?

gellaho

Through what yonder projector breaks? It is the Earth-shaker, and Plume is the wheedler.

LyraV

Slitmouths in Silent Supplication is an intense band name

Brendan

What man doesn't dream of a mammoth obelisk atop his bones?

I am Ozymandias Jakes

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

I'm assuming now that the sun is mammoth shaped

gellaho

Sarasota's only 2.5 hours away

Brendan

Gellaho, how far is this guy's grave in your giant state? You should leave a nice little tchotchke on his tomb so his family knows he hs fans.

Dang, scooped in a whole new fashion.

FancyShark

Leave a pic of FuckApe

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

In fairness, it takes time to spell tchotchke

Brendan

Leave a Kodak camera and a thong

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

This is a really awkward time to reveal gellaho's been working on FuneralApe

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

And some dragon nards

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

A pair of exquisitely worked crystal studded hands.

gellaho

Of a sudden

Brendan

Just a 3D printed sign that says When the Star Kings Die, their legends live on...FOREVER!!!"

LyraV

'Dragonard Forever' embroidered neatly and framed.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

a framed gellaho face, no context

gellaho

Squarrwk

LyraV

scree breeding is getting out of hand

FancyShark

Wearily dismiss your blood enemy like a haggard parent craving a nap

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"No, fuck you. The plain sucks. I am beginning to think your magic sucks too, because I'm not dead. I have a pointy stick here that says you ain't magic."

gellaho

The knob-like prominence, or: "knob"

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

a scree of rage

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"secretion" what....like blood?

You know they still have blood, right?"

Brendan

annnnndThor is DONE at last.

gellaho

Plume's shaft grazed his chest

FancyShark

Jakes wanted to make it weird

gellaho

you were saying

LyraV

fuck yeah, well done

FancyShark

I see I spoke too soon

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Oh this was Dick Fight Island rules the whole time.

Brendan

time to eat corned beef

gellaho

Porch eulogy

LyraV

Hahaha I fucking forgot they were on the porch

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Way to fuck the lizard leader to death, Magus.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most

...

human."

/lightly toes corpse off the edge of the porch

FancyShark

If it wasn't so obvious this was supposed to be heartfelt, Magus's little speech would be the coldest shit you could say to a dying enemy

GDC

Magus grabbed Plume's Knob Device

gellaho

Something warned him? How about 800 somethings

LyraV

Magus lit a citronella candle to keep the mosquitos at bay.

FancyShark

Magus is starting to suspect the unhinged thrill killer might be untrustworthy

gellaho

But, he goes along to the spire with Catto anyway. And without any weapons, they encounter the Philosopher

FancyShark

In Arko's case, it was drawn in butter

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Arko has had the best time of anyone in this whole book. he hasn't even needed to do anything yet

gellaho

Catto masturbates a spear

FancyShark

Actual masturbatory prose

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

He knows how to work the shaft

gellaho

Back to it

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

hahaha holy shit Jakes

GDC

He continued: "unfff"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Yeah work that shaft.

gellaho

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a spear has more range than even two knives

LyraV

He thought long and hard about Voltaire.

FancyShark

The range on the spear shrinks significantly once Catto finishes it

gellaho

Gasp

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I saw Goody Catto with the devil!

gellaho

John Jakes really challenging for the lip throne, I gotta say

There is so much I haven't even shared

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

pft i can't believe he's trying to trick magus into thinking poor innocent catto was up to mischief. As if

gellaho

But was merely a pump fake!

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

The only pumps we haven't faked yet came from Catto fingering that spear

gellaho

If only there were some kind of sign

FancyShark

For once, I agree with the murderous psychopath

gellaho

Being really fucking coy with the cursing in this book

GDC

You should at least be imaginative enough to come up with some interesting space swears.

gellaho

Dingus

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Star bastard

FancyShark

Space jerk

gellaho

New entry for strangest paragraph

LyraV

Universe Creep

FancyShark

Sometimes it's like Jakes is just rubbing the lack of an editor in our faces

gellaho

Well, I didn't know this book was going to get sexy at the end

FancyShark

Smash cut to orgy

GDC

Sexual Hunger Cube is a great name for a math rock band

LyraV

Um....is this going where I THINK it's going?

I sure hope so.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"Of course I know where it fits. Incidentally you might want to wash your hands after touching that."

GDC

Today Jakes's calendar said 'cube'.

gellaho

I don't think it would take fifty years to search a two hundred floor building

gellaho

If it took even two hundred days I'd be surprised

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Depends on whether or not the elevators are out

FancyShark

This is back when computers took up entire floors. You could just wait for sunset and look at which floors have something blocking light through the windows

gellaho

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I'll show you the secret for a ha'credit

gellaho

Aw, yeah, gettin' moist

gellaho

And dry

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Jesus christ, Jakes.

gellaho

The moistest eyes in the universe

gellaho

And the deadest of meats

LyraV

Ooof. Nope not where I was hoping it was going. That's what I get.

gellaho

WHO COULDST HAVE FORESEEN

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

That's what fanfic is for

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

hahaha the big bad gets defeated by fucking turning around?

fuck you, Jakes.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure Catto is the big bad

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Though I did have points on Catto ramming Lantzmann from behind

gellaho

What with being a sociopathic murderer

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

The man is a saint

gellaho

Such a dignified death

GDC

"He farted for 2 solid minutes"

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

He died like he lived

Crying

FancyShark

And fat

GDC

"some pee came out too"

LyraV

with only half a boner

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

We start and end with a fat man expiring slowly from fatal wounds. I appreciate the symmetry.

gellaho

I guess Catto knows the Vulcan nerve pinch? Otherwise, no fucking idea what happened here

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

why does he need the nerve pinch when he can just go "hey turn around real quick" and people will fall for it

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Maya just fainted out of womanliness

gellaho

Behold: glasses

gellaho

But how many tall men tall was it!?

FancyShark

Ancient technology since the discovery of Sight Slugs

gellaho

That is a pretty queer cut

FancyShark

"So no one knew his name?"

"No. It's Unknown. Says it right here on the nameplate."

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

A story tall, so probably about the height of this book I'd say

GDC

How could you read that description and think of anyone except Steve Kodak?

gellaho

Face-first athwart

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

so sad that Steve Kodak died of ligma

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

who's tingo spellhands?

LyraV

He lives on in our hearts.

gellaho

George Eastman. I guess Kodak was just made up

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

tingo balls

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

GIF

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I genuinely thought Kodak was another company that they merged with. Shows what I know

gellaho

Fuck, OK, sure man

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Room: The Page

gellaho

All I got out of that was marble chairs

It kind of reminds me of the hippy chamber from the end of Time Blender

LyraV

Magus then realized he had somehow fallen into the 70's version of the TARDIS

gellaho

Count with Magus Blacklaw

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Every great scifi novel takes a break during the climax so the author can describe a big setpiece

gellaho

Live.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Live!

FancyShark

LIIIIIIVVVVVE!

gellaho

HAHAHA HAHAHA! YES!

GDC

To be fair I reacted the same way the first time I successfully booted Linux

FancyShark

I do this whenever I reboot my phone

gellaho

Stuff certainly is happening

To what end? Dunno

FancyShark

Kodak Doomsday Laser

LyraV

This is a very fancy way of saying you opened up a jewelry box after winding it up.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

red eyes the whole galaxy

GDC

He just started up the Factorio factory

gellaho

More counting!

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Pardon, the whole Galaxy II

GDC

They're going to be drowning in cameras

gellaho

Extendable silver nippers

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

If Kodak could do all this why the fuck couldn't they switch to digital

FancyShark

Too costly

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

This will lead to so many lizardman upskirts

FancyShark

Planet-wide holograms were cheaper

gellaho

Screen! Screen? Screen.

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Screen!!!

FancyShark

Thrill as the villain browses desktop wallpapers

gellaho

Catto took someone telling him to eat shit too literally

LyraV

Thrill as you surf the internet for the very first time.

gellaho

Magus still thinks Catto might be sane

gellaho

Let me fuck your daughter. OK, wait. Wait. But hear me out though.

FancyShark

GIF

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

"Listen, just let me keep your daughter as a sex slave-- now I know that sounds bad, but just hear me out man, I got it all figured out--"

LyraV

I'd like to just go to sleep and wake up and the whole child bearing thing be over with.

FancyShark

This is what every father imagines when meeting a daughter's date

gellaho

Magus, again father of the century, considers the offer

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Tbh I would have much preferred Catto just ask Magus to turn around and for that to have been the end of it

FancyShark

I'm starting to think Kodak wronged Jakes in some way

gellaho

John Jakes is just writing in a fugue state at this point

LyraV

'at this point'

gellaho

They really fucked up developing some precious family memories

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

hahah is Catto having a stroke?

gellaho

Chekhov's scarf

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Time for a life hack!

gellaho

Or, nevermind, they just leave

FancyShark

Exciting stuff is hard. This is much easier.

Mrs. Rachel Jorgam

Catto being unusually calm and reasonable there

gellaho

"Hey, man, he may have threatened to murder all of us, killed some people, and threatened to impregnate my daughter, but don't throw stones"

FancyShark

Book deadline must've crept up on him

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

I'll say this for him, if this is a shared universe Jakes is building, he really nailed Magus as the Iron Man

GDC

They left Billy Cats to his polaroid factory

gellaho

Imagine the stench, reader

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Like decades of cigarettes melded to paperback pulp, I reckon

LyraV

Oh believe me Jakes, I already understood the stench of Magus.

gellaho

At the skysled, the last of The Philosopher's bodyguards stabs Magus

Badger Fell Down the Cop Stairs

Yay!

FancyShark

🥳

gellaho

"Eh, whatever, man" - Magus

FancyShark

The story reviews itself