92: Crash Landing Nicole Davidson

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

You can if you try REALLY hard

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

After some time and effort

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

You can stab someone with a spoon

gellaho

Kathryn occasionally remembers that she has decided on using multiple perspectives

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Making it through the rib cage might be a problem though

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

FIGHT A COP, JEFF!

DO IT!

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

You can't make me

Oh there's a character named Jeff

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

It's legal if he's undercover.

Brendan

What's happening in I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST APRES-SKI?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fucking nothing, as far as I can tell

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Troy is a fuckin pig!

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

I have no idea, I just came in and sausage is already telling me to fight a cop

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And also a cop.

FancyShark

Someone's a cop pretending to be a teenager. And befriended a nerd.

Brendan

Hey I'm thinking og changing my name by deed poll to Natalie Portmanteau.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The fact this is working is a real plot point

gellaho

If these were actual people, Jeff wouldn't believe the explanation for this. But because they are all morons, he probably will

gellaho

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

What's a phone booth

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

FIGHT! THAT! BOY! COP! 👏

gellaho

Kathryn is really drawing out Jeff's pain. Which is weird considering we know what's happened

gellaho

This might be what Kathryn is into

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It has to be.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Prototype CW edging, yeah, Kathryn is soooooo hornt up now.

FancyShark

Kathryn was heartbroken by a boy named Jeff back in school. And she's dealing with it like a healthy lunatic

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Dealing with it like a Peter David

gellaho

Still going

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

FUUUUUUUUUCK

This is painful.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Jeff please kick Troys ass.

LyraV

She could tell he was thinking hard because of all the yelling.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Its all I want from you.

FancyShark

It's a cleansing kind of pain

LyraV

Dammit Kelly.

gellaho

"I don't feel like telling you this very stupid plan. A plan where it would not matter if I told you"

gellaho

I have to avenge Paula, the murderer

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Even a criminal deserves justice!

Unless it's drug crime, then fuck them kids

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Jeff is the only person here who isnt both insane AND a moron, he's just a regular moron so he might have some unique insight to offer, KELLY!

FancyShark

Paula, dear friend who almost smashed my head with a rock after drowning her boyfriend AKA MY BEST FRIEND

gellaho

Jeff moving on quickly

GDC

Okay, what's happening?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Paula, who I was having freakouts about until just now when the bodies started dropping.

FancyShark

Troy is a cop

Otherwise, you've missed nothing

gellaho

Jeff about to score with some college chicks

LyraV

A place I definitely never sold weed.

FancyShark

Jeff, you just turned down a threesome with two sane, probably intelligent women to go cry over a doorknob

gellaho

Gimme that thicc tree

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

A knob in the hand is worth two in the bush.

LyraV

I mean not on the illustrious University of Maryland campus in college park. A place not at all dangerous ha!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

More or less pathetic than Woolie doing the same for Marvel Vs Capcom?

gellaho

That seems unfair

FancyShark

You can have comfort or you can have a penis. Not both

GDC

The boys are sleeping in nests, not bed.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahaha why would you even GO on a trip where you had to sleep on the fucking floor?

gellaho

A new challenger has appeared for Worst Simile ever:

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I would have called my parents the first day and gone home, let alone after the murder happened.

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Just doubling down on the bad simile

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Shit thoughts, yo.

Girl needs to poop.

GDC

Got a bad case of brain diarrhea

gellaho

FancyShark

Oh jeez. I've had nights like that. IBS is no joke.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Girl is fighting for her damn life

GDC

Oh God the poop is coming out her eyes

gellaho

Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion

yo we burying damp cheeks in here- oh

FancyShark

She's got the dance dance fever

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Her danger sense is triggered, someone is going to the bathroom!

Kelly, did you know hypervigilance is a symptom of PTSD?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus, did I manifest this with that fart bit from earlier?

gellaho

What, does his wheelchair run on gasoline?

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Diesel wheels

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Is this gonna be one of those really terrible mysteries where the killer turns out to be somebody we met maybe in passing

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

It runs on that crack generated electricity

FancyShark

It's far past the point of being a terrible mystery

It's closer at this point to a war crime

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I hope the rumble is an avalanche coming to murder all these losers

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Oh, yeah, there's Henry Kissinger

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Frank is so jacked up on crack he is vibrating.

His leg would be bouncing but.........you know.

gellaho

I think there are some logistical issues with a guy in a wheelchair stabbing someone in the heart with a paring knife

gellaho

Regardless of how many push-ups he can do

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha he used his superpowered wheelchair arms to kill with a paring knife

Fuck this book

GDC

The tire tracks in the blood pool should have been the first clue.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hes got both wheelchair AND crack strength. He's an unstoppable berserker.

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Wait all this nothing is happening over halfway through the book?!?!?!

gellaho

Kathryn charges for writing advice

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Give him Escrima sticks and he's basically an evil Oracle

gellaho

No, no, no silly

There are 20 pages left

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Thank fuck.

FancyShark

Making the murderer the only person who's behaved like a normal person is oddly smart

Since we're all clamoring for the deaths of the other characters

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

He got mad at his wife for no reason tho so hes clearly evil

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm still rooting for Frank, but now I just want him to snap everybody's necks and vanish into the night

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The areas new urban legend: The Wheelchair Murderer.

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

So the clue that let her crack the case… Is that the guy who has to turn his wheelchair wheels to move is really strong?

FancyShark

You Have To Come Downstairs Sometime

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

To be fair I think we figured it out a long time ago so its only fair that Kelly catches up.

gellaho

Will is bad!? The only new character was the bad guy!? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

HAHAHA WE SURE FUCKIN DID

FancyShark

BOOYA

WE SOLVED THE TWO PIECE PUZZLE

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

🖕 Fuck you Kathryn 🖕

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

lol

gellaho

In case you forgot Frank's marital status

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

You might as well, Frank. You're in too deep. You HAVE to kill her.

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

I kind of got the sense that this wouldn't make any more sense if I actually had any idea what was going on

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Also Kathryn fuck you for another book with a lame body count of ONE.

gellaho

The small gun is a metaphor

FancyShark

Wes Craven would later plagiarize this plot for Scream

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

All that gun buildup for a revolver no bigger than my left nut

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

And a little bit of that 21 Jump Street movie.

LyraV

Kelly? Confused? I don't believe it!! Outlandish accusation.

gellaho

Frank just out here rooting around for guns for funzies

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Will, is that a .38? What are you, a girl? It's the 90s, you should have a least a nine mill.

FancyShark

Okay, @LyraV , did any of your dates involve gun running?

GDC

That's a cover story that only works for white people.

gellaho

Similes Ahoy

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Probably she bought some crack from him.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"What are you gonna do, murder me?"

last reported words of murder victim

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Paula loved crack.

Crack and drowning.

gellaho

I think the girls would notice if you were just running up and down the interstate picking up packages

gellaho

That's not a normal thing people do

GDC

Kathryn is making the argument that authors should be licensed to use similes.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

This teen boy is a major drug pipeline, damn.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You could drive a hundred miles in a NIGHT?!?!

FancyShark

Will maintained a stellar reputation despite hours of driving girls around looking at nothing

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kathryn, do they even let you out of your room?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

How the fuck did he get a second date? Its hours from New York to Washington.

GDC

Reliable gun runners are the ones at risk of being grounded by their moms.

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

I-95 is not a magic Highway

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That simile really took me out of the story...

... Is what a beta reader would say if she had any

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

My guy must have been using the Rainbow Road.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Dude took the fucking Rainbow Road dammit scooped

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Also true East coasters just call it 95

FancyShark

This is absolutely not the hill to die on for this book

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

State highways are all three digits so we see no need to differentiate

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

The Good reads reviewers seem to consider this an improvement on the first book

gellaho

The tragedy is not, you know, that they'd be dead but that people might be sad or think poorly of them

GDC

Damning faint praise.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Further evidence Goodreads is full of maniacs.

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Small factual errors like that really take me out of the story

gellaho

He is in a wheelchair!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

The wheelchair bound are just as capable of stabbing a girl to death as anyone.

GDC

Yeah. No need to be ableist.

gellaho

Like, you can't come after somebody in a wheelchair with a knife

It's something that requires both hands

FancyShark

I mean, if certain conditions are met

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Is she fucking forgetting her own characters' traits?!?!

gellaho

He'd just be spinning in a circle trying to stab her

LyraV

If they had it in their teeth maybe?

GDC

She forgot her own characters names at one point

LyraV

Wait I just thought about that.

nevermind

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Yackity Sax playing

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Frank could be a practitioner of Gymkata and tie knives to his legs.

GIF

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

His fucking useless legs?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

Second drafts are for quitters

GDC

Yeah, just swing them around like flails

gellaho

Meanwhile

FancyShark

"Guess I can call it a night," he thought.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Troy doing a great job at the whole "secret protector" gig

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

If you spin fast enough, centrifugal force takes care of the rest.

gellaho

Troy is great at this

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahah okay so maybe Troy really is a cop.

Never around when you need him.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"You been"

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Bad at his job.

FancyShark

"I timed it. I've catalogued all your sleep habits."

gellaho

Also, great undercover work that they just used his real name

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Creepin on teen girls.

GDC

Being an undercover cop must have been a lot easier before LinkedIn

gellaho

Kick rocks nerd

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"FNYAAAAAAAAH RUDE!"

FancyShark

Jeremy would go on to crush so much ass at the University of Maryland

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Go clean your inhaler, Jeremy.

gellaho

Simile time

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Because he inherited Will's drug connections. He's been the mastermind the whole time!

gellaho

Who does he think he is? Jeff?

FancyShark

Jeremy is Kaiser Soze!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

AND JEFF!

Jeff and Jeremy are the SAME PERSON!

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

GIF

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

Troy is great at this

FancyShark

Deploying that police training

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Hahahah get your ass kicked by Jeffemy!

Dont think to use like cop fu or anything, Troy.

gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I know authors who use tension and they're all cowards.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Angel fuckin rules.

FancyShark

Oh good, the REALLY creepy character arrived

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Like just sees an ass whipping in progress and is down.

gellaho

It's almost like this whole plan was pointless

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Troy Blart: Teen Cop

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

"Just my crack addict husband, that kid who spends alot of time driving with no particular destination, and the girl everyone wants to murder for some reason."

gellaho

Frank really felt in charge of the situation

gellaho

Pictured: being in charge of the situation

FancyShark

"I am mighty," thought the man who screamed at his wife for not loving a man with dead legs.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Boo!

Booooo!

Don't you dare kill the only real person in this book!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Congrats Frank. You made yourself a burden. It has nothing to do with your legs, but you fuckin did it.

gellaho

She's going to feel really silly when he's dead

Next paragraph

FancyShark

Dammit, Jeff! This is no time for hugs!

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Will should have just shot them both and made it look like a murder/suicide.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He shouldn't have even had to think about it.

FancyShark

Since apparently no one questions anything in this world

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Kelly

GDC

At that speed it must have been more of a suplex than a hug.

FancyShark

Who says there aren't any strong women in fiction?

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

He could have just yeeted the heater into the treeline and the cops would be all "Looks like a clear cut case of killin themselves."

gellaho

Oh, fuck me. I can't stop laughing

Agent of B.I.G.F.E.E.T.S.

You know what aren't great things to throw? Knives, that aren't throwing knives.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

HAH

FancyShark

hahahahaha

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Literally shot himself in the foot 🤌

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

This is what happens when you dont practice proper firearm safety, WILL!

FancyShark

Mr. Bean would have been a more credible threat

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Chekhov wept.

gellaho

In case you didn't understand adrenaline

gellaho

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Yeah, don't let the carnies fool ya, you really shouldn't throw kitchen knives.

GDC

AIIEEEEEumph

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Troy, arriving just in time to do nothing of note. Perfect cop character.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I am getting the feeling of pumping in the Crash Course

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Pumping hard like she wishes Troy would, now push it 🎵

GDC

There's still time for him to take credit for everything.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

I cant believe how much you look like you are in heaven.

gellaho

Okay, the chain of events in one page:

1) Paralyzed man jumps into knife

2) Kelly runs straight into Jeff

3) Kelly limply throws kitchen knife

4) Shooter shoots himself in foot

FancyShark

Plan's going perfect

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Everyone botched their engagement rolls

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Kathryn, this is far worse than the other two books you made us read.

And you did make us.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Someone had to.

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

You did this Kathryn, its your fault.

gellaho

I have no regrets

Shot

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Wait, young husband?!

gellaho

Chaser

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I thought this dude was like 50!

FancyShark

"Jesus, now your talking's crippled, too? Why do I put up with you?"

GDC

If only the police officer had some way of contacting his colleagues

gellaho

Probably because he's 22 and she's in high school

FancyShark

He's fired

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

STOP TRYING TO MAKE STATUTORY HAPPEN, KATHRYN.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Hey, that's young to some of us 🥲

gellaho

The fuck are you talking about Kelly

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Aw Angel I thought you were based but nope. NOBODY LIKES A COP FUCKER GOTH GIRL, ANGEL!\

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Now everyone is paired off

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

No, he wont be taking her to prom because he's a grown ass man and she's a fucking minor you weird perverts.

GDC

If you bring a narc to prom you deserve whatever happens to you

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

As is traditional in these stupid teen books

FancyShark

Jeff and Kelly. Angel and Troy. Nathan and Jim Beam.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And the readers are mostly just pissed off

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Kelly. Kelly. KELLY! You NEED TO STOP!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I missed a lot so were they even flirting before?

FancyShark

They were not

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

She saw him get his ass wrestled down by Jeff and it was magical.

gellaho

Yeah, not really

Paws of a Goose Flippant Sausage

Some girls get like that for the yaoi content.

And cops.

gellaho

The impression you were supposed to get was that Troy was flirting with Kelly

So, who knows

GDC

Maybe Kathryn mixed up her character's names again

FancyShark

Meanwhile, Brian's memorial stands as a failed ski run by his best friend.

gellaho

Anyway, here's a long section on Nathan who has barely been in this book