Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I mean this universe's version of html probably has all sorts of different symbols in it
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
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Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
Archive
gellaho
Luckily, the Indian girl was somehow able to make it through Nazi territory unscathed
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
symbols which have existed for thousands of years even
gellaho
The scientist brought back weapons from 2066
Velo-ing
You mean the Hypertext-Auszeichnungssprache?
FancyShark
No downside
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
How come these time travel books never do a thing where Hitler wins WWII, the Nazis take over a good chunk of central europe, Japan takes over a chunk of Asia. 5-10 years elapse. WWIII starts in the 1950s and everything reverts
Velo-ing
Ahhh they're doing a Wolfenstein (2014)
gellaho
Watching you guys think you have these books figured out is always fun for me
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Stop trying to throw me off, I'm right about 80% of the time
Velo-ing
I'm betting we don't fix this
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
...yes?
Velo-ing
I'm betting the cliffhanger is 'but we still need to stop hitler'
FancyShark
okay, I think I'm caught up
gellaho
All roads lead to HTML, CSS, and Javascript apparently
FancyShark
Here are the Atrocimeter standings
Total Active Atrocities:
-Titanic - 1517 dead
-Foster's last team - 3 dead
-9/11 - 2996 times infinity
-Accidents with tube children - ~150
-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2
-Mocking the disabled - 1
-Toying with a dying child - 1
-Mocking the Irish dead - 2
-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+
-Shrek - 1
-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1
-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1
-No cellphones - 3
Time Out
-JFK Assassination - 2
Velo-ing
Add another holocaust
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its funny because theres literally no way you could turn the war around for Germany by '45, not even with future tech.
FancyShark
Total Active Atrocities:
-Titanic - 1517 dead
-Foster's last team - 3 dead
-9/11 - 2996 times infinity
-Accidents with tube children - ~150
-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2
-Mocking the disabled - 1
-Toying with a dying child - 1
-Mocking the Irish dead - 2
-Timetravel kills the traveler - 5+
-Shrek - 1
-Sal hates the Final Countdown - 1
-Fuckin' Nazi Party - 1
-No cellphones - 3
-Another Holocaust - 11 million
Time Out
-JFK Assassination - 2
wait
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
give that kid a ray gun
gellaho
Good thing they went back to 43 then
FancyShark
there we go
Velo-ing
Thank you Shark
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh get wrecked sausage, gellaho just DESTROYED you with FACTS and LOGIC
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
'43 either.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Yeah, you gotta jump in at 1938 or sooner
gellaho
Nazis worse at space confirmed
Velo-ing
I was worried we might have to break some very rough news to you
Brendan!™
Everyzing fine at Giant Marble Tower, no breaking news, let's go to Hildegart mit a dog which it can bark Deutschland Uber Alles?? Ha ha ha! Ist unglaublich!
FancyShark
wait, another holocaust means at least two
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Ideally youd do it before WW1 simply because Germany didnt have a manufacturing base to support a peer war after that.
FancyShark
Updating that stat to 22 million
gellaho
Don't include the Holocaust
Velo-ing
No wait keep it at 11
FancyShark
oh, okay
Brendan!™
Well they killed all the rocket scientists.
gellaho
Wait for the book to get where it's going
FancyShark
Endless 9/11 still stands at 2996 times Infinity
Brendan!™
It's just Werner von Braun and a calculator.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh I get it, Shrek got delayed again because the State Censors forced Mike Myers to do a german accent
Velo-ing
Oh no
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
We're 5,000 chapters in!!! THE PLOT HAS TO START NOW
gellaho
How many times do I have to say a scientist from 2066 brought back future technology
Velo-ing
I've shifted from trying to predict the book to trying to predict the authors biases and I do not like where this is going
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
30 or 40 more should do it
FancyShark
I mean, it's a fun sentence
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
That future technology was a toaster with bluetooth speakers
FancyShark
I can help you there. The answer is "outside".
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I hope the scientist brought back a couple factories in his pocket or all the fancy future tech isnt going to help.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
sausage is really focused on the details here
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I like details.
gellaho
And Nazis are known to be truthful with their government sanctioned media
Velo-ing
This book deserves a viking funeral
Brendan!™
And they took longer to capitalize on it than we did to figure it out.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Some factories, a few warehouses of materials, some educators to bring the labor force up to speed...
FancyShark
Nobody say it
Brendan!™
In that it should be premature.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Time travel stories are inherently stupid and detail oriented, its really just meeting a piece of media on its own terms.
Brendan!™
Maddy forgets 400 years of US history.
Velo-ing
Yeah I made it my bio
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I just need you to focus on the details of what happened to shrek
Velo-ing
Yes but this author is really bad at research
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Nobody tell Maddy that a large number of Americans were sympathetic to the Nazis, they just didn't want to get involved, and they didn't like how loudly Hitler yelled sometimes
gellaho
Just send off the 16 year old to recon the 1956 Nazi invasion of America
Velo-ing
To be fair he yelled really loud
Brendan!™
In this universe his name is Schreck and he lives under a bridge and he is from Italy.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nobody mention the German-American Bund.
Fuck I just did.
Fuck time travel is so hard.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
why would you not pick someone who knows history for this job
I mean my god foster
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's like those republicans who this Trump is really gaudy, but still agree with everything he says
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you're sending a teenager who just heard about nazis to spy on the nazis
Brendan!™
But if you do, mention that American hero who got up in an arena of Nazis to tackle that shit head-on.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Its his tiny, hypnotic hands.
Brendan!™
https://www.timesofisrael.com/when-a-jewish-laborer-took-on-20000-us-nazis-in-madison-square-garden/
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
You know, I also have small hands, so I can't really fault him for that. I will make fun of his everything else
Velo-ing
Are we going to assassinate hitler?
FancyShark
What's a hitler
gellaho
FILL THE TIME TUBE
Velo-ing
Tell me we're going to assassinate hitler
Brendan!™
Even the mob pitched in https://allthatsinteresting.com/meyer-lansky-punch-a-nazi
FancyShark
Unfortunately, they download the database from Guam and the entirety of their information is one page
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also worthy of admiration is the Jewish strongman who beat up a bunch of Nazis with a bat, Joe Greenstein.
Joe Greenstein ruled.
Velo-ing
I will take back everything I have said about this book if we go on a wacky adventure to assassinate alternate universe hitler
gellaho
Trust your cyborg slave
FancyShark
I'm saving this for when I need a pick-me-up
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"ok bob has downloaded the database... he says 'the upcoming film Shrek has been delayed due to themes which go against the spirit of the 1000-year reich"
they have to rewrite it to make farquaad the hero unfortunately
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nazi Shrek is the same film but Shrek is magically transformed into an Aryan superman.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
but myers is allowed to keep his funny scottish accent as long as he's brutally murdered at the end
gellaho
Seems like there should be a better way to do this
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
So Shrek 2.
Also I feel like Nazis taking over America wouldnt necessarily decrease the amount of terrorism in the 20th century.
gellaho
And a fun reminder that Liam is afraid of drowning after nearly dying in the Titanic
FancyShark
hahaha, wuss
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it just wouldn't be the same terrorism
like when you get a frozen version of a meal your parents used to cook for you
gellaho
It's hard to do 9/11 when the towers don't exist
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
New York has plenty of tall buildings to 9\11 the shit out of.
VernoWhitney
Jet fuel can't melt marble either.
Velo-ing
We could do so many 9/11s if we just believed in ourselves
Brendan!™
Can't they just rescue/recruit all these MIA special forces dudes instead of traumatized teens?
gellaho
Not sure how he's supposed to observe what's happening inside the white house, but sure
Brendan!™
Or is that too Hawke?
Velo-ing
Just run up to the window and take a gander
FancyShark
They'd ask questions
Brendan!™
A small corpse of wet manure
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
my guess is the time riders have been going at this so long they have already used every good candidate in all of history, and this is them going through the C-grade and below recruits
Velo-ing
Liam stop yelping this is a stealth mission
Brendan!™
Why don't they just transmit light and air vibrations back from the white house instead of sending a teen boy who is being killed by the journey?
Hamb$ne
FancyShark
That's what they'll put on [INSERT TARGET NAME HERE]'s epitaph
gellaho
BRING ME CLOTHES
Brendan!™
Terminator Bob
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Why are we in 1956?
VernoWhitney
Maybe boots and a motorcycle, too?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
That's not where the Hitler is?
Brendan!™
A small corpse of Wet Bob
Velo-ing
That's a very good question
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think they're going to the point where alternate hitler conquered the U.S
presumably they don't know where the branching event was so they just need intel
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
They already know it happened! You don't need to get closer to the toilet to know there's shit in it. Go back to WWII and make him lose again
gellaho
Some fun for the kids
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah but they need to make sure every horrible thing happened exactly the same
otherwise there'll be no 9/11!
Velo-ing
"I found a corpse" said Bob
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"and stripped him"
gellaho
They're trying to figure out when the change happened. The Nazi invasion of America was the furthest event mentioned in the Nazi news, but that doesn't mean it's the what they need to fix. They're trying to figure that out
Velo-ing
"I also looted several others."
gellaho
Unlike us, they don't know a scientist in 2066 went back in time
FancyShark
How many bodies did he loot?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
exactly
FancyShark
I need to know for the stats
Velo-ing
They should check my bio
gellaho
Dos
Velo-ing
2
FancyShark
Danke
Velo-ing
I like the world building of...
...
...
I hope there's some world building soon
gellaho
GIANT NAZI DISK
Velo-ing
There we go
Oh shit it's a nazi ufo
It's Iron Sky all over again
FancyShark
AAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Oh wait, you said DISK
gellaho
Yellow gas is always a good sign
Brendan!™
The nazis have a ufo in 1956 but didn't bother with the moon until 1979
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh shit they got Stanley Cups
FancyShark
Tactical smoke screen, so it's got rails
Brendan!™
No! Cpl. Stanley Cups was pivotal in the battle of the Bulge!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it seems to run on propellors
Velo-ing
Hey Bob have you considered shutting up
"There's smoke there" thanks Bob
I would be lost without you, Bob
FancyShark
Have you considered learning how to swim, Liam?
BOB BURN
Velo-ing
I'm so glad you're my steadfast guide through the past, Bob
gellaho
Nazis descend on fart systems
gellaho
FancyShark
This technology would later find its way to cannon form in South America
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
lol good job nazi
Velo-ing
ahahahaha one of them just fucking died in a tree for no reason
gellaho
Nazi science strikes again
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it's like sausage said, you can bring back all the future tech you want, but if the locals don't know how to use it or build it it's not gonna go great
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Ah yes. The future Nazi gimp has arrived
And he's dead
gellaho
Bob got his gun from Halo
FancyShark
Bob cuts the nazi corpse down and teabags it
Brendan!™
I have a zero-energy fast-descent system called GRAVITY.
gellaho
Bob uses karate
FancyShark
Bobrate
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I don't believe it
FancyShark
Judo BOB
Brendan!™
The Gang Graverobs Universe-B D.B. Cooper's Corpse
gellaho
Are we having fun, children?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah so we have an ultra-capable robot with no personality and a useless tagalong, awesome
super cool
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Thine alabaster cities gleam, unstained by human tears
Or however the damn song goes
gellaho
Weird that the one who travels through time has a last name that includes "Connor"
FancyShark
I think the next verse is "I done told you once, you sonuvabitch | I'm the best there's ever been"
Velo-ing
That's called T2: Judgement Day
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"to be clear, I know exactly what we should do."
"Can you tell me?"
"No."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
first of all how dare you
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
"I'm sorry, I'm just a chatbot and can't give you advice on KILLIN NAZIS"
gellaho
"Imagine what that might be like, kids!"
VernoWhitney
Hey, no personal calls on company time!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
probably obvious based on what they're saying Liam
Velo-ing
Maybe if this generation weren't so focused on their typewriters they wouldn't be losing an invasion to nazis
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
these damn baby boomers don't even know how to write on a chalk slate
VernoWhitney
I think this timeline prevents Boomers. I'll give it a chance.
Velo-ing
Are we going to Alamo the White House like in Modern Warfare 2?
gellaho
If it's that easy, gotta wonder why it took thirteen years
Brendan!™
I mean it worked in After the Revolution.
gellaho
Liam immediately tells the first person he's talked to that he's from the future
Brendan!™
They gave Liam no intel, no mission objectives. Just have fun watching Ike get crushed by the military-industrial komplexzen
Brendan!™
Liam stealing my best pickup line.
VernoWhitney
No, you're from the past.
Velo-ing
Months?
It took Months to get from New England to DC?
God this author sucks at research
gellaho
Turns out Hiffler's dead
FancyShark
oh shit, I forgot!
Hi, @jakesy, aristocrat of crime !
FancyShark
Mr. Hilter?
Velo-ing
I can't believe Liam hasn't said Jayzus once this whole time
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Liam proving once again he is not only unqualified for this, he is THE MOST unqualified for this
gellaho
Well, got the information. Probably should get out of here
jakesy, aristocrat of crime
Hiffler was the fuhrers mechanic
Brendan!™
Alright, tell me something, Future Boy: who's president in 2001?
Uhhhh...Woodrow Wilson Jr.
Woodrow Wilson Jr.? The ACTOR?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so hitler was too much of a stubborn idiot asshole to team up with the future guy, so the future guy killed him and took over himself, right?
FancyShark
Trying to thread the needle on time travel while alternate realities blink in and out of existence
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Hitler was famously stubborn and idiot, this tracks
Brendan!™
Kneel before your master, GARY SZIESLWSKI, worms!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"just for the sake of argument," the author mutters in his sleep over and over. His wife beside him mentally rehearses her plan - keys, go-bag, garage, leave.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
So here we learn that histoy diverged exactly when we thought it diverged. Good job, you wasted 7 years off of Liam's life for nothing
Velo-ing
To be fair it diverged one year after we thought it diverged
Brendan!™
It'll all be worth it if he tries McDonald's when it was still good.
gellaho
In the future, Sal immediately figures out why Hitler is never mentioned in the Nazi archives, making the whole trip pointless
gellaho
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
[then just wait it out]
gellaho
Which is great for Liam, who is being killed by time travel
Brendan!™
Decent quote though.
Velo-ing
[waiting things out in Nazi germany is a really bad plan]
Brendan!™
You'd think there vould be ORDER
gellaho
To be really fair, it actually diverted in 1943
Because of the text in this book
Velo-ing
You're right our characters still don't have a useful answer
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Get another sea orphan! It will take about 5 minutes to give him the same amount of historical knowledge
Velo-ing
Fuck it, save those 5 minutes
Give the orphan a gun, chuck him back in time
It'll sort itself out
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Eh, he's a straight, white, cis man with no political opinions. He'll be fine
FancyShark
So the book doesn't have a Hitler assassination because "he fell"?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"God, these Nazis really suck at laying out a Web page"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Still do!
FancyShark
He's Irish and dying of time cancer. He's getting super laid.
Velo-ing
He's one of the types of white that nazis would hate and he doesn't speak german
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
(just a reminder he is a child)
Velo-ing
Is he though
Is he
FancyShark
Marginally laid
VernoWhitney
They're aging him up quickly to get around that.
gellaho
Liam's having a great time
Velo-ing
oh god they are
Mmm throaty rifles
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
sexy pulse rifles
FancyShark
Ouch. Throat burrs
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Ah yes, the "this 16 year old was frozen for 100 years so that makes him 116" loophole
But don't worry, he's definitely an adult in the sequel, gamers
gellaho
It's Bob happening
Brendan!™
Maybe Hitler died because he was a 19-year-old who traveled through time to make himself dictator.
Velo-ing
God it would be so funny if Bob died and Liam got time stranded and the rest of the book is just dealing with that
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
It's Bob happening.
these are some unintentionally hilarious quotes
FancyShark
Alt-universe Bob Hope?
gellaho
Ripped em apart
Velo-ing
Bob fucks
gellaho
Bob has Wolverine powers
Velo-ing
And it's a problem
FancyShark
Fuck yes
Bob is the Doom Slayer
Brendan!™
What idiot named this useful killbot Bob, but the one that likes to drown Nazis Rip?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
JAYZUS
WE HAVE A JAYZUS
Velo-ing
9
VernoWhitney
"You are the mission operative, Liam, but you're not the boss of me."
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It will heal in 3 days, but the timeline is only 2 days long, so he will have the wound forever
Velo-ing
"Only a total bitch can't take a few bullets" Bob said, staring accusingly at Liam
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"to reiterate, I have no authority to make command decisions but I can perfectly assess that you are fucking this mission's ass off."
gellaho
Liam's got an idea, I'm sure this will go great
Velo-ing
"I look forward to my blood un-clotting every time we start the timeloop again."
FancyShark
Time travel is Eliquis
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Sounds like sucking boba through a straw
gellaho
The brilliant plan is for Bob to pretend to be a Nazi who has captured them, can't see how this would go wrong
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it probably doesn't work that way unfortunately, otherwise Liam wouldn't be doomed to die of time cancer
Velo-ing
Liam I think Bob might get too into this
FancyShark
Isn't Bob a little tall to be a Nazi?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and a little competent?