115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow

Velo-ing

Fuck, you're right, go back and shoot him some more

Velo-ing

8

Brendan!™

"Why are we assassinating so many civil rights crusaders, Dr. Foster?"

FancyShark

Total Active Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2

Time Out

-JFK Assassination - 2

Brendan!™

"THE TIMESTREAM"

Velo-ing

Surely JFK must be added to that list

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

OHHHHHH SHIT! So thats what "Rhodesians never die!" means!

gellaho

A lot of 9/11 and assassinations. Let's go to happier times

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Super-villain plan: 1) Invent time machine. 2) send teenagers through it

gellaho

Just kidding

Brendan!™

here we gooooo

FancyShark

You need to expand it. The stupid preview cuts off the last few lines

Velo-ing

Again, this is pre-holocaust

Brendan!™

NOBODY DID NAZI THAT COMING

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

KISS

FancyShark

KISS

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Kramer and Karl Kiss. Or KKK for short

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Thank god, an era with clear bad guys

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

They just want to get some good Bavarian chocolate.

Nothing bad happens!

gellaho

It's probably fine

Velo-ing

Do not add 6 million to the atrocimeter yet

Brendan!™

Austria, 1929. If we don't pour water in Hitler's oil paints and oil in his watercolors, the CIA won't ever run MKULTRA

Velo-ing

If they stay for about 5 more months, then we count it

FancyShark

I'm lumping all of WW2 together, for efficiency

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Speaking 2 whole languages is not quite the draw you think

gellaho

I'm sure that's just there coincidentally

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

"You know what they say in Time School, WWG1WGA!"

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

If you're in Europe, you need a 3 language minimum

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Author: "I also studied WWII history!"

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I get by with 1 and 2/2

gellaho

Five hundred to 17

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"This is where Hitler came to goon and experiment with fart drugs."

FrumpyBadger

Don't worry, we can find the solution to our current predicament by traveling to Kursk in the summer of '43

where NOTHING BAD WILL RVER HAPPEN.

gellaho

Luckily guns from the future stop bullets

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Maybe go back in time to a point when he's more vunerable?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I think we all ignored the fact that the time travel machine also teleports you to any location and brings you back from that location. Even without the time travel that is a world changing invention

Velo-ing

wait

FancyShark

"We just solved all transportation problems. Let's go kill Hitler."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

You arrive wet tho.

Velo-ing

ARE WE GOING TO END UP SAVING HITLER?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

lol yeah why don't they go kill baby hitlarr

Velo-ing

If these are the villains

FrumpyBadger

Save the fuhrer. Save the world.

gellaho

Coincidentally, these geniuses also go to the Natural History Museum

Brendan!™

If I google that do i end up on a list

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

or one time when he took a dump in the woods and didn't want the SS watching

Velo-ing

We use 9/11 to train ourselves to SAVE HITLER

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

You know in your heart what the answer is

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I would have NEVER GUESSED the bad guys wanted to kill Hitler. I thought they were going to swear allegiance and help him win or some shit

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

It's a Q anon thing so probably

Velo-ing

SOmeone else keep a look out for Jayzus and Dr. Pepper, I have to go scream for a bit

gellaho

You guys really need to stop trying to guess where this is going

Brendan!™

Am I correct that Kramer is trying to save JFK and kill Hitler and we think he's the villain?

FrumpyBadger

Is it bad that I figured out what it stood for once you said this

FancyShark

The human brain demands some kind of stability!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Autographs! Quick before the regiment gets here!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Where I WANT it to go is they kill Hitler and actually everything is fine. History changes, but its great.

Just want some optimism for a change in time travel.

FancyShark

We've seen what happens when you kill Hitler. You get the Tarantinoverse.

Velo-ing

And no one wants that

Back to screaming

gellaho

A universe of feet guys?

Not worth it

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I will sacrifice as many actress' feet as needed to stop the holocaust

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Pressure point kung fu is real in the Tarantinoverse, I want that more than anything.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

There's a conjecture that if time travel is real, then history has been carefully curated to be the best possible outcome

FancyShark

V, put down the axe!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I will kill anyone to make that happen.

Velo-ing

into the collage it goes

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I will even sigh I will even let Quentin say the n-word

gellaho

Best let the cyborg with the mind of an infant wander around unsupervised

Pure Novelist Mordred 📚

several hours?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Oh this? This axe is unrelated

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The future is really boring

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Okay now I like Liam a little bit. I also like animatronic dinosaurs.

gellaho

Liam is fascinated by a guest book

gellaho

Brendan!™

Where do you stand on him talking in reality like a hackier screenwriter's attempts to write Tarantino-script AAVE dialogue?

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

In the real world I just want him to shut up

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Now im back to hating him, BUD THEY HAD GUEST BOOKS in 1912!

gellaho

Spending a lot of time on the dirty poems

FancyShark

SEE? 100 YEARS OF COMMENTS!

gellaho

You think the poor 16 year old working on boats spent a lot of time around guest books?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

What are the terms and conditions if I click yes on this guest book?

Brendan!™

Hey Liam, why isn't your name here in 1912?

ohhhh sorry

Velo-ing

Would I want it done? Of course. Would I personally do it? No I don't think I could make that sacrafice.

gellaho

Now he's really talking like a leprechaun

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Ive never seen one in my life but I still know what it is.

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

It's easy for me to make the sacrifice as I am not Uma Thurmon

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Knowing is half the battle!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Why is the book following these kids? because Hilter

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Because you live in the information age

FancyShark

There is only Unwilling Suspension of Disbelief at this point

gellaho

Gotta get those 23 flavors in you

Velo-ing

Yeah what do you know them from?

Velo-ing

5

He's actually named Foster because of the beer

gellaho

BEEP boop, steak

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Too busy doing pencil drawings of naked rich women

Brendan!™

He's compelled to by e-brain

gellaho

Eat it, Canada

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

"Liam, as the boy and the stand in for our dumb as shit readers, I hereby name you main character"

FancyShark

"BOB THINK THIRD KNIFE TASTE BEST"

gellaho

Back in 1941 Kramer is having a great time

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

CHAPTER 30!

We just finished training our team!

Velo-ing

We are almost a tenth of the way through this book!

FancyShark

Page 23

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

How many pages to a chapter?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Is it possible this was a screenplay that got rejected so hard that he turned it into a YA novel

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

1 to 3

Velo-ing

Screenplays aren't usually this long

FancyShark

It stinks of "USA and CW said no"

gellaho

There he is

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Author, mate, not every scene transistion is a chapter

Brendan!™

You teens did two missions well. Now it's time for advanced Hitler-saving.

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Oh right this is an entire season of a show, that's why it's so long

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Finally catching up. In what universe does Liam have initiative? On the Titanic he just wandered around slowly and let the ship eat him

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I kind of wonder what the author things assassinating Hitler in 1941 would accomplish.

Velo-ing

It is now! Chapter 31! Inside the house!

Oh shit it is a script

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Im genuinely eager to know.

Velo-ing

because that's what a scene is

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

He's tired from banging Kate Winslet all week

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I can't believe he was able to pick out Hitler in a room full of Nazis

Velo-ing

This was going to be a series and the BBC filed a restraining order over the milkdong

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"We all speak 2 languages, who's got German? Anyone?"

gellaho

And as for those of you who are thinking they were here to kill Hitler

Brendan!™

Wet Bob really is a legend.

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah if only Hitler had some kind of distinguishing feature, like an eyepatch or a hook hand, wed have gotten him much sooner.

gellaho

Think again

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

I picked Esperanto

FancyShark

There was a very graphic love scene between Bob and Lee Harvey Oswald

Brendan!™

He's one good scene way from Tingo/Rex legend status

ILU WET BOB

Velo-ing

Full of and covered in milk, both of them

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Awwww, I was right the first time

Velo-ing

Time travel is full of milk

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Lol oh, its a "Tell hitler information" plot, hahahahahahhaah

gellaho

No, they're also going to give him future technology

And, well, you'll see

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Nice try but the biggest problem with any plan involving hitler doing something is Hitler being kind of a moron.

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Wolfenstein prequel

gellaho

Next time

Velo-ing

Woflenstein scooped!

NOOOO

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

We've already tried this, HITLARR was not ready to wield the Photon technology

Hamb$ne

he's absolutely gonna accidentally blow up the universe trying to hack too much time

gellaho

That seems as good a place to stop as any

FancyShark

Right on

Velo-ing

Curses

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

A moron who wants to be in charge!

Brendan!™

How many of us could ID Robert E. Lee upon bursting into a tent.

Velo-ing

What will I do with these milk ideas

Hamb$ne

is there any other kind?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

The guy with the fanciest outfit

Brendan!™

God, imagine if he smashed into Hitler's sanctum to find four other sci-fi book villains in conference there?

Rick & Morty shit, but I'd read it.

Velo-ing

He looks like Colonel Sanders but less fuckable

there

Now you're prepared

Hamb$ne

really he's gonna use the time machine to go back 10 years and invent king kong before king kong is invented

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Three, because Hitler is so often a sci fi book villain.

Hamb$ne

the timeline doesn't really change from this because king kong sucks anyway

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Show Hitler a copy of Mighty Peking Man and instantly convert him to communism by telling him the Chinese made it.

Velo-ing

Well thank you @gellaho

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

This was a nice conversation about Hitler and JFK, and you had to bring up King Kong

Velo-ing

Final counts:

Jayzus: 8

Dr. Pepper: 5

fuck how many pages in are we?

FancyShark

About 100

Velo-ing

That's a lot of Dr. Pepper

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

lol

gellaho

Cliffhanger for the next invstallment

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

So what do you think this guys favorite soda is?

FancyShark

We partly did it!

Brendan!™

Wow

gellaho

Which won't be next week, fyi, we'll be taking some breaks

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

Great riffing, everyone!

Hamb$ne

Mr. Pibb

gellaho

And fyi, it only gets crazier from here

Velo-ing

I hope he hates Dr. Pepper

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Mr Pibb, he was too poor to get Dr. Pepper

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Rad, we only get lashed sometimes this year!

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

But I'm already tired

Brendan!™

/poll Wet Bob 💧 Creamy Bob 🐮

Velo-ing

With a distracting passion just hates it

gellaho

So concludes this edition of The Book Cage

gellaho

May all your travels be wet and your returns dry

Velo-ing

It's how he tells you Maddy sucks

FancyShark

Current Atrocimeter numbers:

Total Active Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2

Time Out

-JFK Assassination - 2

Brendan!™

What a journey

Hamb$ne

such a lively turnout after the year of pain

Velo-ing

Imagine getting this from your school library. This would change you.

You would never trust books again.

Brendan!™

do you think Alex saw Dr. Pepper once and assumes it's what real Americans drink instead of the more global Coke?

Hamb$ne

i think it's just a result of all the time manipulation

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

As a kid you would probably be happy to get the references

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Maybe he just likes it

FancyShark

First drink he saw in America he didn't recognize

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Dr Pepper is good

Hamb$ne

all roads lead to darkness and Dr Pepper

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

This is definitely the sort of book I would have read as a teen in the 90s and early 2000s

Velo-ing

It is, I took a break to go get some

That wasn't a joke I left and bought soda

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Just that spider man meme but with old white dudes

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Advertising works!

Hamb$ne

i got a mr pibb so i think we've spotted the Canadian here

Brendan!™

Mix it with Guinness to blow your own mind.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I bought a can of spaghetti-o's after they were mentioned in Bigfeets

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Ew

Hamb$ne

i mixed yellow spot with mr pibb which was actually way better than it should be

FancyShark

I know the exact line you're referring to, too

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I realized I'd need a lot more to reach Buck's physique

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

There are better unhealthy things to eat, trust me

In terms of taste, alone

Hamb$ne

really the goal is to get it all to your thighs

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah like lately ive gotten into the habit of air frying hotdogs that i eat with cold Hormel chili because I cant be assed to heat the chili, and thats still better than Spaghetti Os

FancyShark

ew

Hormel

Hamb$ne

it's still better than the $1 can of orange stuff

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I like the meatlike cubes.

Brendan!™

Thank you for this kooky journey @gellaho

FancyShark

I can respect that

Velo-ing

I can't

Hamb$ne

that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me

Velo-ing

But I can respect you as a person @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

The chunky with beans also is unspicy enough to not upset my tummy.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I have 12 restaurants within a 10 minute walk from me, trash food was a choice

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Come to think of it that doesnt really matter.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Heavily influenced by Bigfeets

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Live your best raccoon life I say.

And do it by eating a can of spam you smothered in American Cheese.

FancyShark

Have a good night, everyone!

Hamb$ne

gosh fried spam sushi is such a pleasure

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

Spam musubi is like a top 5 food of all time

gellaho

Oh, I almost forgot. This is the author

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They're not time travelers Michael they're illusions

Velo-ing

I think you posted the wrong pictures, this is Martin J. Colonialism III

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Yeah that tracks, he looks like a guy who thinks Hitler could have won WW2 if hed just have had more information or more technology.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

And speaks at length about the elaborate hypothetical he has devised on the subject

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

He looks like a man who thinks 13 is fully grown

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

]

'i dont know what a single bracket means but that is the opinion of one of my cats.

FrumpyBadger

I know I'm late but oh my god that author photo is just a straight up supervillain headshot

Like, oh my god. oh my god.

He must be doing that on purpose. He must think he's fucking killing the Bond villain look

dr

I feel like I tell this story every time we see that photo, but I worked with a guy who looked just like that. He was unsurprisingly ousted in disgrace for academic ethics violations.

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 115.2

Time Riders Part 2

Three teens have been trapped in a never-ending spiral of 9/11s. A scientist has gone back in time from the future to give Nazis future technology to prevent the dystopia of 2066. And things only get worse from here. Grab a Dr. Pepper and join me for the continuation of Time Riders, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

# # hell yeah brother

FancyShark

Atrocimeter is ready for updates

gellaho

Gonna need it

gellaho

Time Riders - Part Two is coming up in a little under an hour. If you forgotten where we finished up part 1 at

gellaho

I also made myself a helpful post it

FancyShark

@Velo-ing , do you have the Dr. Pepper and Jaysus tallies ready?

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

*Hitlarr

Velo-ing

Jayzus: 8

Dr Pepper: 5

Velo-ing

What page number are we on? I want to do some math

FancyShark

Here are the current Atrocimeter numbers

Total Active Atrocities:

-Titanic - 1517 dead

-Foster's last team - 3 dead

-9/11 - 2996 times infinity

-Accidents with tube children - ~150

-Tomas and Ethan teleporter accident - 2

Time Out

-JFK Assassination - 2

Velo-ing

We need to get our Jayzus Per Page and our Dr Pepper Per Page numbers

Also deaths per page

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

We're not doing KPIs for time riders

I mean you can

But I'm just going to appreciate the raw numbers

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh Christ I completely forgot the "hypothetically what if some brave hero went back in time and teamed up with hitler" plotline

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

What if Hitler winning means that 9/11 never happens

The ultimate time implosion

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

That's a terrible trade off

Velo-ing

what

Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster

Luckily for our time line we get both Hitler and 9/11

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what to the plot or what to me forgetting it

Velo-ing

I might need a recap before we start

jakesy, aristocrat of crime

They call that the ol' double whammy

Velo-ing

All I remember is 9/11

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah I remembered that the Children of Time had amassed all their great and terrible powers in a warehouse down the street from 9/11

the uneducated irish engineer, plucked from the sinking halls of the titanic, perfectly chosen to be the broodmother of a godless techno-golem

the future girl from Shadowrun India who's really good at pokemon puzzle league

and a lady who knows how to use google AND excel