Velo-ing
I completely forgot about the godless techno-golem
115: Time Riders Alex Scarrow
#1 Time Riders
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Mess around with time, and the world you know... could become a world you don't
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Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh yeah and we definitely made sure that the underage girl saw the golem's penis
just in case it wasn't weird
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
There comes a point in every girls life where she has to look at a techno golems penis, its for the best that that comes in a controlled environment. I would rather my daughter see a techno golem penis for the first time in a lab setting than say, in the park on her morning jog.
gellaho
I'll tell you in advance, that Dr Pepper count is not going to change tonight. But, you'll be plenty busy with the Jayzuses
Velo-ing
Oh no Dr Pepper Girl is going to die
gellaho
No, there are other reasons
Velo-ing
Or, worse, be transported to a time without Dr Pepper
Oh, too busy with 9/11 to get a refreshing Dr Pepper
gellaho
Page 121 by the way, but any extrapolation will be highly inaccurate
Velo-ing
Thank you and I am excited
Velo-ing
BOOK
CAGE
gellaho
Time to Ride
Velo-ing
Hi @gellaho !
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wooo time riders!
Velo-ing
Hi @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
We're going to ride so much time you guys
FancyShark
Hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @Velo-ing ! Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hell yeah time to (checks notes) Help Hitler win the war?!
gellaho
Alex Scarrow helpfully reminds us of the other horrors occurring in this book
Velo-ing
Hi @FancyShark !
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
if you want a vision of the future, picture 9/11 stomping on the Titanic forever
Velo-ing
Oh right
gellaho
I picked the perfect place to stop last month
Velo-ing
You really did, that is spectacular
gellaho
One page Hitler, next page 9/11
In this book for children
Brendan!™
What up book simps!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh yeah that was the old new york, after this everyone started calling it new new york
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Change forever, but in a very specific way we all make fun of in 20 odd years.
FancyShark
HELLO, @Brendan!™ !
Hi, @FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning !
Brendan!™
We're not here to stop 9/11. We're here to make it a home.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
9/11 is where the heart is, i guess.
Brendan!™
Colloquially we just refer to it as The Asbestos Bowl
gellaho
They mock their cyborg slave with the brain of an infant
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hey @gellaho can you remind us everyone's names? Was foster the guy who recruited them?
gellaho
Yes
We're about to learn more about him, I'm sure it won't be at all horrifying
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Yeah, we can't have someone acting strange in NYC
gellaho
Ah, he's dying
Velo-ing
"Ah so you figured out my secret"
"No"
"Well it's too late, now you have to hear about it"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
god that gif sucks
gellaho
Turns out, time travel kills you
Velo-ing
Liam is the Irish one
VernoWhitney
Foster is 12 years old?
gellaho
Which means that they will be slowly killing Liam, a 16 year old from the Titanic, without telling him
So that's fun
FancyShark
Hi, @Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster ! Hi, @VernoWhitney !
Brendan!™
Hahahaha, I forgot about all about Wet Bob!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh my god this is the most unfun time travel adventure
Brendan!™
This is gonna be a pip.
or a bob.
Brendan!™
Poor Liam had to learn all his coworkers died from his new office where everyone's coworkers are dying.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I don't even get why particularly not Liam?
gellaho
Turns out old man Foster is 27
Brendan!™
If only they had cloning and mindwriting technology.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this plot seems to have specifically excised any possible avenue for joy
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Technogolems cant appreciate what we lost on 9\11, its totally lost on them.
gellaho
That's how quickly it kills you
Brendan!™
This morning you ate breakfast. Tonight at dinner you reflect on aging at 6x speed, inhaling toxic dust, and watching everyone around you Groundhog Day a trauma you can't even feel anything about anymore. YA goes hard.
gellaho
So Liam's soon to be dead
Brendan!™
Pretty crazy that the Gematria for WET BOB spells out JEWS FROM MARS PLANNED 9/11
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh is Foster actually Liam? Is that why they can't tell him?
Brendan!™
It's always been Tuesday.
Velo-ing
This book looks fun right in its joyful, sparkling eyes and tells it to go fuck itself
To be clear I am enjoying this book cage immensely
gellaho
No, they can't tell him because they need him to time travel. He won't do it if he knows it's killing him
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I cant believe theres no gematria emoji........
Brendan!™
It's malarkey that time travel aging can't be reversed by going the opposite polarity like the last five minutes of any Real Ghostbusters cartoon.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Really
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh do the girls not go on the time travel missions?
gellaho
Especially when it takes seven years
Brendan!™
We lost the shark.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No! Their wombs will explode
Brendan!™
Perhaps he died in one of our many 9/11s
Perhaps this book killed him by jumping him.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I mean I dont have one, so unless youre telling me there are secret emojis.........
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
He's on central time, he's still technically at work rn
gellaho
They can't all be terminally dying
Brendan!™
4pm in Wisconsin is three hours into the first happy hour of the evening.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I wanted to make all sorts of doctor who references but this book is the exact opposite of doctor who
Velo-ing
I'm worried this might be the actual answer
Brendan!™
So the last book in this series is just 27-year-old AARPers with fully stocked ova clutches.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
like any chance at fun is just "no you will toil and suffer and die"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Is it better to be excluded from hyperaging because of gender roles?
gellaho
"Just think of how many 9/11s he'll experience!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Being 27 in 2001 means Foster has definitely seen Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Brendan!™
You ate the best damn cheeseburger in 9/11
Velo-ing
Potentially 4,927!
FancyShark
Sorry! Be there soon!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Sanwiches, fried potatoes, and carbonated water being things you CANT get in the 1900s?
FancyShark
Like EVE Online
gellaho
Let me put this burden on you, 18 year old computer nerd
gellaho
You've got some atrocities to add
Brendan!™
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis'_Lunch
FancyShark
Hit me
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
He's so midwestern he gets drunk off of full glasses of milk!
gellaho
It's better if you find out yourself
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think in Liam's time doctors just wouldn't tell you if you had cancer because they couldn't do shit about it
so he might actually be ok with this?
Brendan!™
Technically yes, but he was presumably making his first Atlantic crossing.
Velo-ing
Yeah but they had those things in Europe too
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Nah
gellaho
I'm not sure there was a lot of soda then
Dr Pepper barely existed
Velo-ing
Technically they had soda starting in the late 1700s
gellaho
And that's the only soda that exists
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Thats a good point, I do forget that the Irish had to subsist on the blood of Protestants and a kind of unleavened bread made from mud until 1919
Brendan!™
Sandwiches, but if you wanted a hamburger you had to go to Frankfurt. If you wanted a frankfurter you had to go to Berlin. If you wanted a Berliner you had to go to Hamburg. Nobody wants to visit Kaiser's Paradise.
Velo-ing
With Schweppes, which somehow still exists today
gellaho
Time to bond by making fun of each other's accents
Velo-ing
Oh
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's for when they don't have Canada Dry!
Velo-ing
Oh Liam
Liam no
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahahahahahh really sticking it to the Indian accent by comparing it to the Welsh my guy.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
welsh was the most foreign accent he'd ever heard
Velo-ing
Don't think about the implications of that Liam
Brendan!™
I was in 2001 New York and there was no better time to have an Irish accent when everyone's impression of the place never grew any older than The Quiet Man.
gellaho
ENGAGE ROBO-BROGUE
Velo-ing
Liam's about to discover imperialism for the first time
Brendan!™
I was also in 2000 Ireland and they thought we were all cowboys and 1911-era NYC so it cuts both ways.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"EYYYY BUTT! My name is Mohandas, whos coat is that jacket?"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
It's impossible for a foriegner to blend in with the famously homogenous NYC
Brendan!™
Liam is going to get laid more in the week between 16 and 61 than I did between 21 and 43 (twice).
Brendan!™
Hahaha, the robot says you're a clown and all your friends died.
Velo-ing
Liam is having such a rough time
I'm starting to think the author hates him! Oh hold on let me check that... yeah
Brendan!™
This tracks because all these kids raised on flat-affect TikTok videos sound like serial killers to me.
Velo-ing
yeah the author hates Liam
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"haha now impersonate his mother Bob. hey Liam listen it's your mother's voice which you'll never hear again"
"OI'M SO HAPPY YOU CAME HOME SON"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And by extension, the Irish people and freedom.
gellaho
This is a real weird way to feel about perpetual 9/11
Brendan!™
Hasn't it been 12 hours?
Velo-ing
Feels like it
Brendan!™
Also, Sal, I regret to inform you that your world is 2025.
Velo-ing
Oh right
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Is Sal the adult from NYC or the teen from India?
gellaho
Listen, he's torturing Irish, Indian, and American teens. He's British, I can't see how any of that would be problematic
gellaho
13 year old from future India
Velo-ing
Velo-ing
He's not just British, he's Ascot British
Brendan!™
Mumbai: The New New York
New York: The New London
New London: The Old New London
London: The New Rome
Rome: GONE
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Dude looks like he should be conducting the rites for a Satanic Mass shortly before Inspector Scones breaks down the door.
gellaho
Hey, Sal? I think you know exactly what the weather is going to be like. You've done this before. You'll always know.
Brendan!™
Special Guest Star: Anton Le Vey is the perfect assessment.
Get some sleep kids, tomorrow is your first 9/11
gellaho
Oh, are they sad, Sal?
Velo-ing
They are going to accidentally inhale an heroic amount of asbestos every Tuesday
gellaho
9/11 is laundry day
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
This is slightly undercut by the fact that we are on chapter 32
VernoWhitney
Will Liam die of time travel progeria before the mesothelioma gets him?
Brendan!™
Knowing the wait for those machines, this makes good sense.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
the laundromat stayed open on 9/11?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
She needs to be familiar with all the New Yorkers yelling "Arg! This is a direct consequence of American intervention and colonial imperialismmmmmmmmmmm!".......................maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
Velo-ing
maybe save that for a day that won't get asbestos
gellaho
Only 68 to go
gellaho
The terrorists did not inform the laundromats beforehand
Brendan!™
They say we only use 32% of our chapters. What happens when Lucy reaches 100?
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
....no
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If you think about it, closing the laundromat would mean the terrorists won. Cant have that.
Brendan!™
I went to a diner and a bar on 9/11 because we couldn't go anywhere and nobody knew what to do.
Velo-ing
Shit didn't go down until 9
gellaho
Alex Scarrow boldly going for the written Chinese accent in 2010
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I think it's 9/12
Velo-ing
It is not
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I skipped school that day and found out when my brothers girlfriend told me.
Velo-ing
And it never will be
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I've already lost track of the main plot
Velo-ing
Good
If you think you're picking it up again just look away real quick
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I really hate that transliteration of the Cantonese accent.
Velo-ing
Wait no don't give it to someone what the fuck
gellaho
Time to begin the 9/11 countdown
Velo-ing
Sal you are not getting those clothes back
That place is going to be closed in 30 minutes
gellaho
Make sure to get Shrek in the middle, really helps
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You only get to mope about 9\11 the first three or four times. Get over it.
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
So they ONLY do 9/10 and 9/11 per loop?
gellaho
Indeed
Velo-ing
Yep
It is the funniest possible option
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Why not use 9/12? It's not like the world was suddenly fixed then?
Velo-ing
And I did consider a loop that was only 9/11
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
And 9/10 is still a normal day!
Brendan!™
This entire book is the 9/11 diaries. They don't go anywhere, they just write the name of death on Wet Bob's forehead.
Velo-ing
9/10 is prep work
VernoWhitney
And wake up to "I Got You Babe" every morning
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Have you considered that everything was different tho?
Velo-ing
9/11 is their Daring Time Heist using the attack as a distraction
that sounds like a joke, it isn't
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
They need to prep every other day? And every other day is a heist?
Velo-ing
Because they wanted to make sure no one would notice them
Brendan!™
They work on Schrodinger rules so the less anybody remembers them, the less "observed" they are.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nobody will think to look for the Time Shithead HQ on 9\11
Velo-ing
They wanted to make sure no one in new york city noticed them
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
I got that part. I was there for the first 30 chapters
I'm just saying 9/12 was also a chaotic mess
Velo-ing
I think the real answer is this author is fucking dumb
gellaho
Only seconds to go
Velo-ing
This is powered by wikipedia
Quick, Time Arrest him! He clearly did it!
gellaho
Well, looks like something changed. I wonder what
Velo-ing
ahahahahahahahahaah
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The plane had a swastika on it, didnt it?
Velo-ing
they're going to have to un-prevent 9/11
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Oooooh no wait, the smoke from the towers made a cloud in the shape of Hitler's face!
gellaho
Still doesn't make sense that she has to memorize the events of 9/10-9/11 if she can literally feel the time stream change, but whatever
Velo-ing
None of this book makes sense
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ok what did she see
maybe it was a pig
Velo-ing
In a way that's special even by book cage standards
gellaho
Meanwhile
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The author is British, hes too full of baked beans to make sense.
Velo-ing
This is the most book cage book
gellaho
Oh, no! Shrek!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
wow saving hitler really did prevent 9/11
Velo-ing
Here we go again
Brendan!™
Sal, you're not like the others. You're a GAMER, meaning you're hyperobservant.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"I'm just saying" the author said 900 times
Brendan!™
You notice when Shrek vanishes from our reality.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Just for the sake of argument" said the author again
Brendan!™
Would you still kill Hitler if you knew Shrek would never arise?
gellaho
Describing it as "grand" is a choice
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"hypothetically," suggested the author until the word lost all meaning
Velo-ing
ahahahahahaha
No shut up book, it's just as high
You're not taking this from me
Brendan!™
Or does Shrek still get made, but Mike Myers doesn't change his mind ten seconds after finishing his work, and decide to redo all of it in his mandatory Scottish accent, thereby no longer delaying its release at a cost of $1m to reanimate his lips?
Velo-ing
The nazis made a sky scraper sized marble column
gellaho
VernoWhitney
Or Chris Farley lives to do the voice?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
yeah that weirdly seems more improbable than the rest of it
Velo-ing
John Candy doesn't die
Mike Myers never gets cast
Brendan!™
That...might sink?
Velo-ing
Was it Christ Farley?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
mike myers was arrested in a purge
Velo-ing
Oops
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh right, the Nazis
Velo-ing
OH RIGHT, NAZIS
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
Oh yeah: Nazis
Velo-ing
I'd call her dumb but I was 100% distracted by Shrek
Brendan!™
alt-right: The Nazis.
gellaho
Certainly the worst part of the situation: no cell service
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
no homeless in nazi america
Velo-ing
I mean
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
bet you libtards all feel foolish now don't you
Velo-ing
...
Excited for the explanation of why the nazis didn't inventcellular phone service
gellaho
Even if they did, the technology wouldn't work the same
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also, shouldn't the time riders be using their own signal?
in case of exactly this?
gellaho
Only bringing that up because the computer still can connect to the internet somehow
Velo-ing
oh god damn it
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
No homeless and free meat pies for everyone
Brendan!™
Soylent Puke is made from winos!
gellaho
The Nazis went through a rebrand at some point
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
woo! I love my government allotment of meat!
Velo-ing
Oh right Liam
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
everyone dinner party at my house! We're having meat tonight!
Velo-ing
Oh god damn it
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
SWASTIKAS EXISTED BEFORE THE NAZIS
gellaho
Very astute, Maddy. I see why you are in charge
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, ACROSS CULTURES
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
not in Cork though probably
if it wasn't emblazoned on Liam's coal shovel he didn't know about it
VernoWhitney
"What's that Welsh-looking symbol?"
gellaho
What with being poor and 16 during the 1890s
Dundundun
Velo-ing
the internet shouldn't work at all
gellaho
That is correct
Velo-ing
I've been trying to articulate why, but that's boring, so short version: the internet working the same way is 12 different layers of stupid
Brendan!™
All of this prep work to ask "WHAT IF....the Nazis won World War II?"
Human Mammalian Hybrid Vooster
"If Hitler wins WWII then Germany manages to conquer all of europe AND America" is the logical fallacy here
Brendan!™
We could go anywhere in time!
Velo-ing
minimum 12
Brendan!™
Sal was meant to be useful!